The thing that got you sick in the first place is the thing that will take you out of it: the mind.
Autoimmune disease

When you try to get away from an unwanted aspect of yourself, it will stay near you, closer than ever.
The shadow

Once you take care of yourself first, you will have more energy to love others.

Push your health condition away, ignore it; it will stay or come back stronger. Why? Because your body is already run-down, using whatever energy available to maintain your health. And you use energy when you ignore the illness. Because the root-cause is still present. Hiding it underneath the carpet won’t clear the dust off your home.

The Paradox

Once I accepted the wheelchair, I was able to come out of the wheelchair.

In my early days of recovery, I depended on a wheelchair to move around, even from the bed to the toilet. I got shivers the first time the nurses pushed it in the room. But I remember well the moment when I thanked the invention of the chair with wheels. Especially after being bored of watching the red brick wall view I had from my bed in the hospital.

My life was an enormous blurry crystal ball that could break at any moment. My uncertain future was mentioned as being tough and short. But for some reason, from the beginning, I think my brain activated a survival mechanism of disbelief. I did not agree with what the doctors and nurses said, with the wheelchair, with the hospital garments. I used my own colourful PJs, and I was certain I was going to be out of there in no time.

But after a week of laying in bed, the intense moment built up. After being forced to feel my body, to see if I noticed any difference between one side and the other, it was inevitable also to observe my internal mess; the unbearable boiling impotence I was feeling inside. I saw my raw reality in that moment. I saw where I was and how I was: half there and half not there. And I exploded.  I cried from the centre of my soul, so hard that my stomach crunched, my lungs had no air, and no sound came out of my wide open mouth.

And then my eureka moment happened. Sitting on the side of the hospital’s bed, with my red brick wall view, I surrendered. I stopped fighting the fact that I was f*cked.

When I let all the fear and grief feelings come out, when I accepted and surrendered, magic happened; I felt relief.

Accept and surrender

Accepting your situation helps make the best of what you have. To live the process is hard because it means you will feel everything, the unbearable pain but also the sweetest joy.  The journey is terrifying; there’s no doubt about that. But give the feelings a space to express themselves. Do it. Cry, scream, have tantrums.  You will appreciate the sensation that comes after, even if it lasts for seconds. And simple things will be transformed to incredible moments. The taste of vanilla ice cream and dark chocolate will be surreal, and a sunset will fill you up with gratefulness; Those little pleasant experiences get transformed into priceless moments in your life. And it’s beautiful. In the hard times, your senses get powerful. You start to connect with a deeper part of yourself. It makes you grow; it makes you stronger to accept your vulnerability.

Expect results, and it will seem to take forever.

Stop waiting for something to change now. It will happen when you least expect it. Don’t abandon yourself either, but stop putting yourself through the extreme pressure. Stop jumping on the weight balance every second. Keep working on your health, slowly, a little every day. Be compassionate with yourself; you have gone through a lot.

Accepting your weaknesses makes you stronger.