Posts

Are you attracting relationships with the same unwanted pattern?

If you have noticed similar issues repeating themselves in your romantic relationships, or in any relationship for that matter; 

If you have the same feeling over and over of unfulfillment—like something is missing— or your needs are not met for any particular reason, and most of the times, it has to do with the other person. You might be observing an unwanted relationship pattern.

A client of mine, Elena, saw a pattern in her relationships. She was surprised to notice she dated men with similar financial and sexual issues. On one side, Elena felt happily attracted. On the other, she didn’t feel her desires and needs were met entirely. Elena felt helpless. She knew what was the problem but was unable to solve it. They were not her’s to solve. But, she realised those issues ruined the desire for a long-term relationship. 

Why did she attract men with the same issues, and how could she break the pattern?

This can happen for men and women alike. I’ll start with the how and then the why.

How to break unwanted patterns in relationships?

A significant step I want to focus on today is moving from helpless to empowerment:

To step out of the helplessness and step into empowering yourself, find out what are you expecting to receive from the other you haven’t been able to give to yourself?

what are you expecting to receive from the other you haven’t been able to give to yourself?

Are you waiting for the other to make you feel:

• happiness • self-worth • financial security • pleasure • joy • love • fulfillment • confidence • respect • peace?

Take time to figure this out. It may be hard to accept and not that evident in the beginning. 

Instead of waiting for another to change, you need to do things differently. The answer to this question allows you to know what you need to do to create a shift. 

Then write down a list of things that you can start doing. For instance, to make you feel secure, take control of your finances and create a savings plan; schedule new activities that you enjoy; reconnect with friends or join a group with a meaningful goal in common.

We can’t control someone else’s habits, problems, or impulses. We can only change our selves. When we step apart from the victim position and take action, we discover we can take care of ourselves and move towards an empowered self.

As a result of your empowerment, you will emanate a different vibration, which will break the unwanted relationship issue patterns.

We need, however, to be grateful to this person who helped us reach this insight, for being a “mirror” of our hidden inner world and for our transcendental inner growth.

Why do we attract relationships with the same unwanted issue?

As children, we were unable to satisfy our needs and were dependant on adults to survive. Depending on our childhood experiences, if a need was unmet, the feeling could’ve stayed imprinted in our psyche or in our cellular memory as an unconscious program. A void from unfulfilled past needs feels like a default sense of longing in the present and unconsciously wanting to fill an emptiness. Which will never be filled because we can’t time-travel. We can acknowledge our feelings and heal them by mourning and giving us space to let out the feeling, as Alice Miller explains in her book “The Drama of a Gifted Child”.

As adults, we have the full capacity to satisfy our needs. When we realise that our discomfort in the present is because of a longtime inner-child survival mindset, an awakening happens.

Attracting healthy relationships

A pattern can be transformed when the unconscious child-need shift to an awareness of a present adult need.

Our expectations in a relationship change when we make ourselves responsible for our basic necessities. We even begin attracting different kinds of people.

A relationship becomes healthy when there is sharing vs. needy. When it is interdependent vs. dependant/codependent.

Relationships in our path to spiritual growth

In eastern cultures and spiritual scriptures, it’s said that people come into our lives to challenge our soul to grow. They can shake our shadow, an unseen part of our inner self, if there’s something to see and resolve. And for this reason, we attract someone that intensifies a feeling of discomfort to bring awareness and then heal it.

It seems like until we make ourselves responsible for fulfilling our own needs, we will attract people that will intensify the emptiness and make ourselves uncomfortable to move us towards change and growth.